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Lifestyle By Jasmine Ford
  • It seems to be inevitable that when a woman bears a child, she loses her known identity while entering into the realm of maternal being. And while fiercely battling for her return to normal, she subsequently loses her “security.” The security that society grooms us into believing is a whimsical fantasy - that is love and marriage. We silently witnessed generations of women before us settle for this outdated ideology. Many like myself chose this route, only to later be greeted by trauma that was swept under the rug. It seems that no one is bold enough to walk away the first time. Some of us came in happy and were later reckoned by disturbing forces: death, infidelity, financial setbacks, bearing children, and so forth. Some leave the first time their foundation is rattled. Others remain for a lifetime and nestle into the hollow graves that infiltrated their souls and robbed their happiness. So, where do generational curses end? I think it begins with acknowledgement of societal sins.

    Before gaining our “illusion” of independence, women had no other alternative but to tolerate all the things. Tolerate infidelity. Tolerate emotional emptiness. Tolerate being invisible. Tolerate only being used as a tool for procreation. Tolerate being strong. Tolerate carrying the fight of social injustices on our backs. Tolerate the children and housekeeping. Tolerate giving everything in exchange for financial “security.” Society sure does expect the most from women, and yet so little is given to us in return. We are not your saviors. We are not your strength. We are not the silent decor placed delicately on expensive three tier wedding cakes. Cake being served to guests who naively lust for the wedding day. The same ceremony that is nothing more than entertainment for many people who likely won’t remain in your life, or even add value to your marriage. What exactly is the goal? Surely breaking generational curses should be one of them? Society reinforces that being modest and ladylike is the forefront of a marital foundation. Truth be told, sex positive women like myself do get married, but our mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers were never taught that.

    Beneath that wedding veil is the curse of generational trauma. How dare society place us women on a pedestal to be an illustrious wife, when the demons of generational curses haunt men in the midnight hour. Mistresses who will never be seen at dusk show up at the darkest hour for a bit of pleasure. It’s quite disturbing how easy it is to perform adulterous acts, rather than sitting on a couch to talk about your demons. What about all the men who have “mommy” issues? Well, they’re somewhere on their stage of glory directing the world’s attention to women who grew up without a daddy. Better known as deflection and gaslighting. The women who sought emotional comfort on roads that should have never been traveled. What a sin it is when these two individuals meet and join their unfortunate circumstances. It is pure hell and we are living in it. It is feeling bound to turmoil when you’ve made mistakes. It is turning a blind eye to infidelity when you’re guilted into believing you’re toxic, when you truly were just broken. You were found whole on a blissful day, only to be left as nothing.

    We pick up the pieces as life expects us to, but we have no desire to glue ourselves back together. We don’t desire the remnants of the past lingering through our veins. The woman you found is no longer who she was. Those dark places where we sat in silence without a shoulder to lean on. Too naive. Too proud. Too scared. Too righteous. If only we had sent a smoke signal before it would all go up in flames. Standing by the man? We don’t think so! What we can offer you is a cup of coffee and a therapist referral that you’ve avoided like the bubonic plague. Now here you stand, truly sick because you spent your entire life running from your demons. It must be uncomfortable to look into the mirror and see the sins of your family trauma stripping away the family you created. The universe will always come back full circle and humble you. Will you learn the lesson this time? Will you seek self-love instead of entertainment from your local strip club? Where do generational curses end?

    Marriage is intricate. It is deep, passionate, and trusting when it’s nourished properly. It can also be sad, isolating, tragic, and unforgiving. Marriage stories are unique and dynamics vary from household to household, but should love be the basis? My former college professor during my undergrad experience once stated, “Love is a wonderful basis for the weekend, but not marriage.” At the age of 31 those words have taken on a new meaning in my life. I guess love isn’t going to save the day after all. Love does not conquer all, but the will to understand and grow will be the victory. What a painful lesson to learn that marriage is like the Sims - a build-it-yourself virtual reality. You create it from the ground up, and then you must continue to nourish it from the inside and out. It’s selfless work and everyone isn’t built for it. Did you love yourself before seeking marriage? Self-improvement should always be a foundation in one's life. Where do generational curses end?

    There are so many empty souls walking this earth. People who’ve been hurt, lied to, and left all alone without a care in the world. Society grooms women to adapt and conform for marriage. You know, the perfect wife. While men are groomed to be providers and often not in touch with themselves because they were never taught the significance of emotional intelligence. Men who are told to “stop all that crying” go on to find real love, only to lack in being able to meet the emotional needs of a woman. What if we created a societal norm where children are encouraged to be healthy and productive members of society? Imagine if we as people aimed to live a life of meaning and abundance instead of making marriage a direct goal out of the womb. Perhaps the cycle of hurt people creating unstable environments and toxic relationships would end. Independence and freedom isn’t a bad thing. Learning about who you are, where you come from, and where you wish to evolve is not optional. Normalize living for yourself. Normalize therapy. Normalize accountability. You’re all that you have, so you better take damn good care of yourself before you succumb to your shadow self.

    Generational curses can consist of a dynamic set of issues. There is no singular cause of these atrocities: religion, poverty, slavery, racism, sex addictions, gender inequality, broken homes, drugs, alcohol, and even family dysfunction. Feel free to insert your unjustified religious scriptures that conveniently keep you bound. The list is infinite when you begin to uncover the veil. We often take on trauma that shouldn’t have been passed down to begin with. We take on the healing of others that we aren’t meant to do. Some of us never stop living in our trauma. It’s a means of survival for many people. And when we finally come to terms with it, the end result can be detrimental. The damage has already been done, but you can press forward. You can decide enough is enough. Everybody loves the sunshine, but few people willingly take on that journey to get there without first hitting rock bottom. Some marriages spiral into rock bottom and then reality comes to the surface. Where do generational curses end?

    The curses end by loving yourself and choosing your best path. If no one else has told you anything valuable, remember you’re allowed to show yourself some grace and love. You’re allowed to stand up tall after you fall. Choosing yourself and your sanity should be celebrated. The end isn’t always bad. A new beginning is promised to us each day. Many of us underestimate the value of simply being able to wake up each day. Contrary to the broken society we have witnessed, you do have to unpack the baggage to make room for love and light. On the other side of that is peace. If you can walk into your truth with transparency, education, and accountability, then you can achieve a life in which generational curses do not bring you down. You can rewrite your story. When you’ve truly won the battle, those curses will only lift you higher into deeper realms of understanding. The understanding of self. Society loves to tell us what we should do, but honoring your existence and boundaries is of the utmost importance. Choose the person you are becoming. Choose the child who expects and deserves the best of you. Choose being whole again, even if that journey isn’t pretty. Give your inner child a big hug. Because one way or another, those generational curses will end right here.

    Signed,
    A woman who chose herself.

    Photo By: Pixabay